A Weighty Issue

I don't mean to turn this blog into a weight loss blog, I promise. 10 more weigh ins and this post and then you will never hear about weight loss from me again. :)

I just had some things floating around in my head that I wanted to get out. I've been thinking a lot about my motivations for wanting to lose weight and get healthy and about the progress I've made. And just to put it out there, it's not all about the numbers, even though that is what I'm tracking on here. When I joined Weight Watchers I had my ideal weight that I was shooting for, but I told myself that more importantly than reaching that ideal number was being able to feel healthy, to feel happy about where I was physically.

I have never been a skinny person, not even in elementary school. But I was always okay with where I was. As a kid I was active, just doing normal kid things- riding bikes, gymnastics, swimming, running around and playing. I have never been into sports and I am not an athletic person. So as I got older and started high school I became less active. And slowly my weight kept going up.

My first attempt at losing weight was my freshman year of college. I was tested for diabetes (which runs in my family) and the results showed that I was insulin resistant. So basically I had a really high chance of developing diabetes if I didn't change some things.

So I changed. My mom and I went on the Atkins diet...you know, the low carb diet, and I started exercising every morning. And it worked. I lost 10 lbs in a month and went down 2 sizes. But at the same time it didn't work. By limiting carbs I was really limiting what I could eat, and it just wasn't practical for a long term lifestyle change. No sweets... NO WAY. No bread...just doesn't work for me. And I got tired of the same old eggs, chicken, and vegetables really fast. I pulled it off for a month but then I caved and I crashed. And because I felt like a failure at eating "right", I stopped exercising too. And I gained all that weight back, plus more.

After that experience I just didn't think it was possible for me to ever lose weight. I figured I was destined for a life of being overweight. I hated the way I looked and felt, but I went on with life. I got married, and then I had kids. And with each kid came more weight that just never went away. And after each kid I felt worse. I had less energy. And the worse I felt the more I ate. It was a never ending cycle.

Last year I decided to do something about it, but I didn't have a solid plan. I joined a gym, thinking that if I started exercising I would be more motivated to eat right. But I found out really fast that I am not the type who can get on a treadmill or elliptical and go for 1/2 hour. I lasted 10 minutes and it was miserable. I started going to the aerobics classes at the gym and I enjoyed them, but it just wasn't working out. Matthew hated going to the childcare center at the gym and it took us more time to get ready, get in the car, drive to the gym, and get the kids dropped off than it was worth. So I quit. And I felt worse about myself than I had before I started. I started eating all the time. I was definitely an emotional eater. Kids crying? I ate. Didn't sleep well? I ate. Someone said something that hurt me? I ate. Felt stupid for something I said? I ate.

By the time I started Weight Watchers 7 weeks ago, I weighed as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with Matthew. And that was a really crappy feeling. I felt like my whole life was out of control. I hated who I was and I had almost no self esteem. I was tired ALL the time and needed at least 1 nap every day. I knew this was not where I wanted to be and I knew it would get worse if I didn't do something about it. I worried about developing diabetes and a number of other health problems that run in our family. I knew we wanted more kids but that there was no way I could physically or emotionally go through another pregnancy feeling the way I did. I was tired of feeling tired. So, when Jon's employer started a Weight Watcher's group AND offered to pay for most of it, I knew I had to do it.

Honestly, I was skeptical. I was sure that I would be the one person in the group who struggled, who could just never lose weight, and who wouldn't be able to change my eating habits. But I went anyway. At the first meeting they gave us all the basic information and I started to get a little more optimistic. This wasn't just another diet. They wanted to teach me how to be healthy and to maintain a healthy lifestyle. They weren't going to tell me that I could never eat dessert again. They weren't telling me I could only eat vegetables. No, they told me I could eat whatever I wanted as long as I stayed within my point allowance. (Points are based on calories, fat, and fiber content). So basically, if you want to lose weight EAT FEWER CALORIES THAN YOU BURN. That simple. The trick was to find the right combinations of foods that would fill me up and keep me satisfied...and to cut out all of the emotional snacking. I went to the store and filled my cart with all sorts of healthy foods-some that I knew I liked and others that I was determined to make myself like. My first week was awesome. I ate great, I was able to control my snacking, and I went on a search to find the best kind of exercise for me. It turns out I do best exercising to workout dvd's in the evening or walking/jogging in the morning. I lost 4.6 lbs that week and that gave me the motivation to keep going.

As I've continued on this little journey, I have definitely had my ups and downs. I have had weeks where I did everything right and saw results and felt really good. And I have had other weeks that were incredibly stressful and I started emotionally eating and stopped exercising, and I felt disgusting again. But having seen the difference, I was able to pull myself together again and get back on track. I have started setting weekly goals for myself to help keep me focused.

I feel like I have learned a lot these last 7 weeks. Obviously I have learned how to make healthier choices. I have also learned that you like the things you eat. I did not eat very many vegetables before, but I have several that I really enjoy now. I used to like sugar, in almost any form. Now my body has a hard time tolerating it in the quantities I used to eat. I have been more open to trying new healthier foods and have been really surprised at how much I like them. I have learned that eating healthy is not a restrictive thing. I have learned what food portions are right for me and I have learned to recognize when my body is satisfied instead of stuffing myself full.

I have also gained a lot of self confidence, and not just because I have lost weight. A lot of that confidence comes from knowing that I set a goal for myself and I AM ACCOMPLISHING IT. I CAN do it.

I know that self worth is based on much more than size or weight. And I don't base my own self worth on that, though I definitely have in the past. But there is definitely something about feeling healthier, knowing that I am taking care of the body that I was given, that makes me feel good about myself. I can do so many things now that I couldn't do 7 weeks and 15 pounds ago. And that is a really good feeling. I have so much more energy and am able to run and play with my kids and to really enjoy them. And I feel like in a way I have become a better mom (though I definitely have a long way to go).

I hope my weigh in posts have not offended anyone or come off as bragging. That was not my intention at all. I simply wanted to post my progress as a way to hold myself accountable. Knowing that I have to report on the blog has given me the motivation to keep making healthy changes, to exercise when I don't want to, and to stay on track.

I know I still have a little ways to go before I reach my ideal, but I can honestly say that I am happy now. I feel really good. I am proud of myself for setting a goal and working to reach it. I am happy with the changes I have made in my lifestyle. I don't feel like I am depriving myself of anything. I don't eat nearly as many sweets as I used to, but I don't miss them either. I exercise a lot more than I used to and I actually enjoy it. I have control over me, and that feels really good.